The Tigers are in the 2003 Playoffs
I hope I don't alienate my core audience of my girlfriend and my mom, but Readers, I'm a sports nut, even if I've seldom expounded on it here. The baseball playoffs that we're in the middle of right now are some of the most exciting sports I've seen in years. I'm still a Tigers fan, though, and the Tigers flirted with the worst record in the history of baseball this year, winning five out of their last six to cap off the season at a solid 43-119. Why think about the Tigers in the middle of all this excitement about real teams? Well, my Bengals have contributed more than their share of players to the eight playoff sides, even though they just finished their tenth consecutive losing season. I count 15, plus a manager, enough for a whole team if the starters can pitch deep into games. Of course, it's a really bad team, but here's how it would shape up:
C Paul Bako, Chicago. Bako came up through the Tigers' farm system and was the backup catcher in 1998. He's the Cubs backup now, and struck out a lot in important at bats at the end of Cubs games. He bats right-handed, which is good, because we need him to platoon with....
C John Flaherty, New York. Flaherty's a lefty. He's also terrible, and backs up Posada now. Well, he's not terrible. He used to get a lot of playing time for the D-Rays, and he kept Toby Hall in the minors for a couple of years.
1B Robert Fick, Atlanta. Fick can be our emergency third catcher, should something happens to the other two luminaries. He was a catcher in the Detroit farm system, and was a symbol of misplaced hope for a while after he hit a grand slam in the last game at Tiger Stadium, a mere few weeks after coming to the majors. We let him go this past off season, using the strategy that since we had too many first basemen and designated hitters we needed to let the best of them go. Fick had a nice season for the Bravos, platooning with 45-year old Julio Franco, and keeping his average above .300 all season. He made a move that will really catapult him in to stardom in this postseason: smacking Cubs 1B Eric Karros in the face while he was trying to beat out an infield single. The Braves benched him for that, and I wouldn't be shocked if he gets cut.
2B Damian Jackson, Boston. Jackson came to Detroit on as part of the Tigers-Padres horrible players exchange program, which has been sending players like Andujar Cedeno and this team's own Chris Gomez back and forth at a terrific rate since a father and son duo started GM'ing the two franchises in the early 1990s. Jackson was a Tigers second basemen in 2002, batting .270 and contributing some shaky defense, sloppy baserunning, and a bad attitude to the that year's aging and hopeless team. He's a star now, too. His forehead cracking Johnny Damon's face in the ALDS as they converged on a pop fly was played and replayed from enough angles that no one watching that game will ever forget it. The most tasteful part was when Jackson, still woozy, started jawing with A's fans while Damon was being carted off on a stretcher. (Johnny's fine, too).
SS Chris Gomez, Minnesota. I didn't know he played for Minnesota, either. I guess he backs up triple-machine Christian Guzman. He's a bad, bad player.
3B Juan Encarnacion, Florida. No, Juan doesn't play third. He's got a right-fielder's arm, though, and we need a third baseman on this squad, so he'll have to do. Encarnacion was the best Tigers prospect since the Travis Fryman-Milt Cuyler (lifetime .237/.305/.326) duo in 1990. He's a five-tool player. One awesome thing about him is that as a rookie he had to go on the disabled list because his teeth were so painful and decayed that he had to have multiple surgeries to correct or replace them. Not sure why we let him go; he should continue to have 20-20 seasons with a low batting average and no walks for a long, long time.
LF Billy McMillon, Oakland. McMillon bounced around the minors for a long time before he got his shot in the minors. He could always hit, and Philadelphia gave him his first chance in 1997. He hit a little with the Tigers in his brief time with them in 2000 and 2001, too. Now he's part of the A's OF rotation, outhitting the atrocious Terrence Long whenever they give him an opportunity.
CF Gabe Kapler, Boston. Kapler was another big prospect, one of three from the Tigers' farm system on this team. More of a right-fielder, though he can do center in a pinch, and did after Jackson took out Damon in the ALDS. That's loyalty! Good job, guys! He left Detroit in 1999 when we brought Proven Star and Malcontent Juan Gonzalez in for the first season in Comerica Park. We gave up two budding stars in that trade, Kapler and Justin Thompson, who never pitched again, and two unknowns who have been quite good, Frank Catalanotto and Francisco Cordero. We also got Old Expensive Sore Back Middle Reliever Danny Patterson in the trade. Juan, of course, stunk for a year, turned down $145 million, and left the team.
RF Karim Garcia, New York. Garcia was a failed Dodgers prospect long before he came to Detroit. Not sure why he's in the mix for the Yankees right-field job now. He's got a little bit of power and a talent for baiting Pedro Martinez and beating up Fenway groundskeepers.
DH Ruben Sierra, New York. Yes, Ruben Sierra played for Detroit. The same Ruben Sierra who was a sure-fire Hall-of-Famer for the Rangers in 1986; the same one who was traded for Jose Canseco in 1992. He played for the Tigers in '96 for a couple of months, acquired straight-up for Big Cecil Fielder in a deadline deal. He left as a free agent that year, disappeared for a while, and then had an out-of-nowhere fantastic season for Seattle in 2001. Never quite turned into Clemente, though.
SP David Wells, New York. The true star of this team. If we're going to contend, we may need him to pitch every third day. He's been an All-Star, thrown a perfect game, won 20 games, won a handful of World Serieses, been traded for Roger Clemens, and overcame obesity and gout. He's still going at 40-something. To think, I remember him as a goofy middle reliever for Toronto in 1988. We traded him away for CJ Nitkowski, who never was very good, but had a website.
SP Mark Redman, Florida. I always liked Redman. Tigers got him in 2001, when he was injured, a year after his breakout rookie season, for Todd Jones. I thought it was a great trade. For real. We traded him away this offseason for three minor leaguers, which might work out. This team is excited to have him as its number two. He did bat .016 this year, though, which will hurt us in those NL parks.
SP Jeff Weaver, New York. Ahh, Weaver. Too upset to talk about you. You should be great. We traded you away at 25, though we did get a lot for you. You should be winning 22 games per year for the Yanks now, but you have a 6.00 ERA and they can't trust you. You're flaky, too, you punk.
SP Steve Sparks, Oakland. The knuckleballer. We'll need him after Weaver gives up 7 in 3 innings. Tigers released him in the middle of this year, I think mostly for his sanity. He was a good innings eater for Milwaukee, Anaheim, and the Tigers. He's a postseason star now, too. He pitched in the ALDS game four against Boston when Tim Hudson had to leave in the second, and he didn't embarrass himself.
CL Todd Jones, Boston. Jones got traded for Redman, as mentioned above. He was third all-time on the Tigers' save list before that, and got himself a nice fat contract when we had hopes of being decent in 1999. We sold Jones high, and that was a rare victory. He's struggled since, but he won't have many leads to save here, so no worries.
Manager Felipe Alou, San Francisco. I have a feeling we're going to need Felipe's savvy in-game management skills in these playoffs. The bench coach to his third-step-grandcousin-in-law, former Tiger Manager Felipe Alou (I think they're related), he managed a lot of good players for Les Expos, and then after they got sold away, managed some teams cobbled together a lot like this one.
C Paul Bako, Chicago. Bako came up through the Tigers' farm system and was the backup catcher in 1998. He's the Cubs backup now, and struck out a lot in important at bats at the end of Cubs games. He bats right-handed, which is good, because we need him to platoon with....
C John Flaherty, New York. Flaherty's a lefty. He's also terrible, and backs up Posada now. Well, he's not terrible. He used to get a lot of playing time for the D-Rays, and he kept Toby Hall in the minors for a couple of years.
1B Robert Fick, Atlanta. Fick can be our emergency third catcher, should something happens to the other two luminaries. He was a catcher in the Detroit farm system, and was a symbol of misplaced hope for a while after he hit a grand slam in the last game at Tiger Stadium, a mere few weeks after coming to the majors. We let him go this past off season, using the strategy that since we had too many first basemen and designated hitters we needed to let the best of them go. Fick had a nice season for the Bravos, platooning with 45-year old Julio Franco, and keeping his average above .300 all season. He made a move that will really catapult him in to stardom in this postseason: smacking Cubs 1B Eric Karros in the face while he was trying to beat out an infield single. The Braves benched him for that, and I wouldn't be shocked if he gets cut.
2B Damian Jackson, Boston. Jackson came to Detroit on as part of the Tigers-Padres horrible players exchange program, which has been sending players like Andujar Cedeno and this team's own Chris Gomez back and forth at a terrific rate since a father and son duo started GM'ing the two franchises in the early 1990s. Jackson was a Tigers second basemen in 2002, batting .270 and contributing some shaky defense, sloppy baserunning, and a bad attitude to the that year's aging and hopeless team. He's a star now, too. His forehead cracking Johnny Damon's face in the ALDS as they converged on a pop fly was played and replayed from enough angles that no one watching that game will ever forget it. The most tasteful part was when Jackson, still woozy, started jawing with A's fans while Damon was being carted off on a stretcher. (Johnny's fine, too).
SS Chris Gomez, Minnesota. I didn't know he played for Minnesota, either. I guess he backs up triple-machine Christian Guzman. He's a bad, bad player.
3B Juan Encarnacion, Florida. No, Juan doesn't play third. He's got a right-fielder's arm, though, and we need a third baseman on this squad, so he'll have to do. Encarnacion was the best Tigers prospect since the Travis Fryman-Milt Cuyler (lifetime .237/.305/.326) duo in 1990. He's a five-tool player. One awesome thing about him is that as a rookie he had to go on the disabled list because his teeth were so painful and decayed that he had to have multiple surgeries to correct or replace them. Not sure why we let him go; he should continue to have 20-20 seasons with a low batting average and no walks for a long, long time.
LF Billy McMillon, Oakland. McMillon bounced around the minors for a long time before he got his shot in the minors. He could always hit, and Philadelphia gave him his first chance in 1997. He hit a little with the Tigers in his brief time with them in 2000 and 2001, too. Now he's part of the A's OF rotation, outhitting the atrocious Terrence Long whenever they give him an opportunity.
CF Gabe Kapler, Boston. Kapler was another big prospect, one of three from the Tigers' farm system on this team. More of a right-fielder, though he can do center in a pinch, and did after Jackson took out Damon in the ALDS. That's loyalty! Good job, guys! He left Detroit in 1999 when we brought Proven Star and Malcontent Juan Gonzalez in for the first season in Comerica Park. We gave up two budding stars in that trade, Kapler and Justin Thompson, who never pitched again, and two unknowns who have been quite good, Frank Catalanotto and Francisco Cordero. We also got Old Expensive Sore Back Middle Reliever Danny Patterson in the trade. Juan, of course, stunk for a year, turned down $145 million, and left the team.
RF Karim Garcia, New York. Garcia was a failed Dodgers prospect long before he came to Detroit. Not sure why he's in the mix for the Yankees right-field job now. He's got a little bit of power and a talent for baiting Pedro Martinez and beating up Fenway groundskeepers.
DH Ruben Sierra, New York. Yes, Ruben Sierra played for Detroit. The same Ruben Sierra who was a sure-fire Hall-of-Famer for the Rangers in 1986; the same one who was traded for Jose Canseco in 1992. He played for the Tigers in '96 for a couple of months, acquired straight-up for Big Cecil Fielder in a deadline deal. He left as a free agent that year, disappeared for a while, and then had an out-of-nowhere fantastic season for Seattle in 2001. Never quite turned into Clemente, though.
SP David Wells, New York. The true star of this team. If we're going to contend, we may need him to pitch every third day. He's been an All-Star, thrown a perfect game, won 20 games, won a handful of World Serieses, been traded for Roger Clemens, and overcame obesity and gout. He's still going at 40-something. To think, I remember him as a goofy middle reliever for Toronto in 1988. We traded him away for CJ Nitkowski, who never was very good, but had a website.
SP Mark Redman, Florida. I always liked Redman. Tigers got him in 2001, when he was injured, a year after his breakout rookie season, for Todd Jones. I thought it was a great trade. For real. We traded him away this offseason for three minor leaguers, which might work out. This team is excited to have him as its number two. He did bat .016 this year, though, which will hurt us in those NL parks.
SP Jeff Weaver, New York. Ahh, Weaver. Too upset to talk about you. You should be great. We traded you away at 25, though we did get a lot for you. You should be winning 22 games per year for the Yanks now, but you have a 6.00 ERA and they can't trust you. You're flaky, too, you punk.
SP Steve Sparks, Oakland. The knuckleballer. We'll need him after Weaver gives up 7 in 3 innings. Tigers released him in the middle of this year, I think mostly for his sanity. He was a good innings eater for Milwaukee, Anaheim, and the Tigers. He's a postseason star now, too. He pitched in the ALDS game four against Boston when Tim Hudson had to leave in the second, and he didn't embarrass himself.
CL Todd Jones, Boston. Jones got traded for Redman, as mentioned above. He was third all-time on the Tigers' save list before that, and got himself a nice fat contract when we had hopes of being decent in 1999. We sold Jones high, and that was a rare victory. He's struggled since, but he won't have many leads to save here, so no worries.
Manager Felipe Alou, San Francisco. I have a feeling we're going to need Felipe's savvy in-game management skills in these playoffs. The bench coach to his third-step-grandcousin-in-law, former Tiger Manager Felipe Alou (I think they're related), he managed a lot of good players for Les Expos, and then after they got sold away, managed some teams cobbled together a lot like this one.
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